im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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