Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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