shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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