Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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