I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Do you remember whose house we're in?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
