Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
