We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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