it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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