You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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