His pubic hair was longer than his dick
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
