A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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