Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
