You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
