I want to walk on stilts...naked
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
