my sisters under your porch take her home
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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