I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
