u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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