pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
