If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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