I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I supernannyed him into submission
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
