So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
