i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
