The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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