Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
