Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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