i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
