Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize