just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
