She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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