a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
