This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
