So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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