Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Randomize
