if i can run in heels then i can drive
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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