I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
