U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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