dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
