I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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