I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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