i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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