he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
