We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
