i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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