If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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