Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
