Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
