I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
