Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
