Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
