Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
