Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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