he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
