i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
