why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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