Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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