Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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