A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
