Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
