Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
