after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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