Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
