She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
