I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
