he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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