I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
