You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
