that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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