she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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