just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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