so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
